Jumping Heart First

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Just one day after writing the post about being creative for myself, I shared my poetry with a room full of people.

At my university we have a tradition where we gather together in a living room and perform our creative works or stories to support each other. I have longed to do it for nearly two years but fear always got in the way, and I let it.

I had written a poem along time ago that I have been adding to since. It details all the people I have loved in my life, both romantically and otherwise, and as a new love came and went I weaved the story into my words. It was like laying my soul on paper, and sharing it was baring a part of myself that I had never admitted to anyone before.

As I went to sit in the chair, the chair where so many people I love and respect have sat before, I was shaking. My heart felt like it was going to burst out of my chest, and I was sure everyone could see what a fraud I was for occupying such a position.

Then I opened my mouth.

The words that have become a part of me flowed so naturally it was if some other being had taken over. I said my piece, and the room clapped. Perhaps for them it was nothing monumental, but I had just climbed Everest. I had thrown myself so far out of my comfort zone that I couldn’t even see that space anymore. I left a woman so empowered that I thought I might just be able to fly (which is ironic, as you’ll see below). 

And now I want to share it with you. 

I want to share it on my blog as another step towards bravery, in which I embrace the power that I have as a writer. I don’t need to share everything, I still intend on being creative for myself privately, but for some reason this feels important. A person important to me, when helping me select a title for this post, suggested that I had jumped heart first. It seemed an apt description of how I live my life, and what I want this space to be. 

So here it goes. 


A Poem To All I Have Loved

 

the DNA helix that I wear on my wrist is a constant reminder of what I've left behind

the little girl who cried so hard that she didn't go on camp

flew half way across the globe

and changed everything

 

did you know I'm scared of balloons and kites?

I'm scared I'll let go

and they'll fly away

and what do you do when something leaves you and you're not ready?

or somebody

or you have to leave and you can't say goodbye

goodbye

it chokes me

tears trickle down my throat

for all the goodbyes I've said, didn't say or couldn't

 

words pour through my head

fighting for attention

but when I see you they stop

dead

dropping onto the dusty floor of my mind

why wasn't I enough?

why wasn't I important?

why why why why WHY WHY

goodbye

leave me

(don't leave me)

 

the heart is pumping so hard

I fear it will give up

khalas

there's only so much it can take

pump pump pump

before it simply decides to stop

that voice echoing down the hall

in my ears

a warning of your presence

and I feel so confused, conflicted, hurt, angry, sad

that to turn and run is all I can do

fight or flight

I flee

fleeing

flying

 

I wish I could fly

and then I could traverse the space that changed my life

an ocean of regrets

like the sea that divides us

I just want you to hold me

love me

love me first

like you always say

 

all that love me leave me

or I leave them

transient, traversing, travelling

restless for an adventure

but desperate for roots

tie me down

and tell me you'll always be here

always

 

but the people I love

have shaped me

into the mess that I've become

anxious, ambitious, terrified, triumphant, scared, successful

me.