This Is My Fight Song

The Power Of Being Single
I wrote this post a while ago but as I explain here it has been a difficult few weeks and I didn't want to publish it whilst it didn't feel accurate. Of course moods and experiences fluctuate, but I feel like the following post is representative of a journey I have been taking over the past three months and so I wanted to share it with you all today.

This is honestly the most empowered I have felt in years, possibly ever. Something about my life right now just excites me. Why wouldn’t it? I have fantastic friends, a thrilling life experience, a blog that is small but oh so rewarding, and travel plans that mean I literally have to get a new passport seven years early because I have run out of space in mine. But what excites me most about this all is that I finally feel like I have earned it. Having suffered from imposter syndrome for years, I can’t tell you how crazy it is to me that I can actually see that I have worked for everything I have. That doesn’t mean I don’t recognise that I have privilege, and I’m definitely grateful for every opportunity that comes my way, but it’s about realising that I make a lot out of what I’m given and forgiving myself for not being perfect.

The past two years have been a long, difficult time. As I explain here, I had possibly the worst freshman year and I turned into a person I didn’t like very much. I couldn’t remember the Liza that I’d been reasonably comfortable with, and so I’ve spent a long time rebuilding myself and working towards becoming the person I want to be.

And why I think I’m so fulfilled right now? I’m single for the first time in the longest time, and enjoying it. Genuinely, if I were to cringe and put a number to it, I would say I've been in various long term relationships for about six years. All this time that I had invested in boys I now have to myself, for my creative pursuits, for projects I care about. And more than that, the love that I had easily invested in romance has now been invested in myself. I don’t have to sacrifice myself for anyone, and I’m not hurting myself for them anymore. It’s obviously not all about me, but it’s about investing in people who are worth it; and the pattern of my relationships hasn’t always been like that. 

True, meaningful relationships are a wonderful thing, I’ve been lucky to have that in my life before. But I hadn’t bothered to build a meaningful relationship with myself. So now it’s all about learning to love myself, celebrating my achievements rather than a boyfriend's, and working towards building a life I love. Because right now I love my life a lot, and I often haven’t been able to say that. So to all the people who are making my life so wonderful right now thank you, and thank you to everyone who has given me an opportunity to grow. But I’m also going to thank myself, because I work hard, and I should stop and recognise that more often.